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  • Brianna O'Keefe

I’m not happy today, but I’m not completely sad either. Today marks the fourth day in my new journey. I’m taking the drug Lithium for the first time and it’s working. I suffer from a disorder called Bipolar. It’s prevented to from getting jobs, making and keeping friends, and ultimately made me suicidal. I didn’t choose to be this way. But I am stuck with it and do my best to live with it.

For the first time in my life my mind is quiet, my thoughts under control. But it almost feels too quiet. I find myself pacing, listening to music and wishing I once again would able to teleport to my imaginary lands. Lands I had built over the years to protect me. That I could walk amongst the stars and travel between the rings of Saturn. But it doesn’t work anymore, and I’ve found myself wondering why I ever wanted to be normal.

So I guess it’s time for me to say goodbye to my chaotic mind. Maybe we’ll meet again some day, maybe we won’t. Until then however, here I am lonely, but here I am alive.

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  • Brianna O'Keefe

I picture a world of silence. Nothing moves because everything is gone and nothing can be seen because everything is forgotten. I can’t decide whether it would be a blessing or a curse to exist in this world. Usually I’m pretty decided but lately, I’m indifferent.

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  • Brianna O'Keefe

Updated: Nov 13, 2020

It’s been a while since I wrote in here. Last time I felt defeated but now I’m feeling different. I took a chance and moved across the country to live with my boyfriend. I’ve been living here since the end of July and it’s been the best experience of my life. I’m more social, I’m playing tennis, I joined a gym, I have my own house, my own office. Everything is better.

However I can’t help but feel like somethings missing. like I forgot something along the way. I’m happier than I’ve ever been all my life. Even just being out of the house being that was the source of some of my worst fears is amazing and for the first time in what feels like ever I’m able to sleep flawlessly. So why do I feel like somethings missing?

I searched pretty deep for the answer to this and haven’t found anything that resolved the feeling. Sometimes I think maybe I’m just in a totally new place and that I’ve broken the endless cycle of working all day long every day of the week and the adjustment is just too much. It doesn’t feel like the right answer, but it’s all I got for now.

Might add more to this post one another time, kinda tired.

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