I picture a world of silence. Nothing moves because everything is gone and nothing can be seen because everything is forgotten. I can’t decide whether it would be a blessing or a curse to exist in this world. Usually I’m pretty decided but lately, I’m indifferent.
Updated: Nov 13, 2020
It’s been a while since I wrote in here. Last time I felt defeated but now I’m feeling different. I took a chance and moved across the country to live with my boyfriend. I’ve been living here since the end of July and it’s been the best experience of my life. I’m more social, I’m playing tennis, I joined a gym, I have my own house, my own office. Everything is better.
However I can’t help but feel like somethings missing. like I forgot something along the way. I’m happier than I’ve ever been all my life. Even just being out of the house being that was the source of some of my worst fears is amazing and for the first time in what feels like ever I’m able to sleep flawlessly. So why do I feel like somethings missing?
I searched pretty deep for the answer to this and haven’t found anything that resolved the feeling. Sometimes I think maybe I’m just in a totally new place and that I’ve broken the endless cycle of working all day long every day of the week and the adjustment is just too much. It doesn’t feel like the right answer, but it’s all I got for now.
Might add more to this post one another time, kinda tired.
Sometimes, I feel crushed and I know from living with Bipolar that this is something I'm bound to feel every once in a while if not constantly. I just really wish I didn't feel this way, that this feeling would go away. Every so often I'll have a week where I'm totally down and I can't get myself to do much of anything. On top of that I get so upset that I'm not working that I get stressed out which compounds the preexisting feeling. I guess that kinda sprouts from my desperate need to not let you guys down.
But that's just it. Sometimes I'm the exact opposite. I'm so happy that I feel as light as air, I feel motivated, inspired, driven. I feel as if I could climb the tallest mountains, solve the hardest puzzles and really its times like this that were vital to my companies success. This motivation, I wish I could hold on to it all the time. To escape this rollercoaster of fear and triumph. The highest highs and the lowest lows. My thoughts can get so out of control that I can't escape them, but, I should remember that no matter how hard life gets I will always be far from being defeated;